Speechless

Any day now

I simply can't wrap my head around the fact that I could be holding a baby in my arms any day now.

Mike and I traveled to see A yesterday for the match meeting, and although it went well, it was heartbreaking. Unfortunately, P wasn't able to make it home in time. I know that made it harder for A, but she did have a friend there with her. This friend, E, has been a huge support for A so we were glad we got to meet her. The initial part of the meeting was all of us talking about our past - how Mike and I met, our relationship, why we decided to adopt, etc. A answered some questions about her family and support system and why she decided to make an adoption plan. Then we started talking about A's wishes for the hospital. Mike asked me later how I felt about A wanting only P in the room during the actual delivery. As much as it would mean to me to be included during that part of the experience, I realized that I want whatever A wants. I begrudge her nothing.

The meeting took 1 1/2 hours and we sat around and talked for another hour or so. I asked A if she wanted to go get some lunch or if she needed us to head on out. She agreed that she needed the afternoon alone. During the meeting, we told her that she just needs to tell us when she needs time. E said she would make sure A speaks up if she needs time alone at the hospital, with or without the baby.

A's doctor told her to come in for an appointment on Tuesday, but he (jokingly?) predicted that he will see her at the hospital at 3 a.m. Wednesday morning. I asked A to call me Tuesday night to let me know what her doctor says. I may go on up to stay at my aunt's house so I can be closer. We are only about 4 1/2 hours away, but Mike says he is okay if I want to be in the area. The plan is for me and Mike to be at the hospital. After the baby is born, A's family and friends will have the opportunity to hold her and take pictures. Mike and I will await our turn as patiently as possible.  : )  

And on this Mother's Day, the first one where I contemplate the reality of becoming a mother, I know how hard this day is for some and always has been for me. This year, my thoughts are also with those women who have given so much to allow other women to experience motherhood. For every beautiful, caring, nurturing woman who shares herself with others as a mother, grandmother, aunt, sister, mentor, or friend...Today I celebrate you.

Edited to Add:
I just got a text from A wishing me "happy soon to be mother's day." She humbles me.

Keep your hands inside the ride at all times...

at least until you come to a big hill.


Whew! I think I left my stomach back on the last hill. I continue to have wild swings in freaking out moments and my stomach is not pleased with me. We were going to have our match meeting today (April 30), but our counselor had to postpone it because of another situation. So, we are having to move it back to next Saturday. I spoke with A Wednesday night, and it was a nice conversation. It was hard too though because she admitted to having a hard time thinking about the placement. We know it is hard, and hearing her say it just made me hurt for her even more. She said that is why she hasn't been able to return our emails. We know this doesn't mean she is changing her mind (though we continue to be cautious in our excitement). I just have the feeling she is trying to protect herself. After talking with our counselor, I feel better knowing that a social worker will be available at the hospital to help A with anything she needs. For the match meeting, we will travel to be with A and P and will be on the phone with our counselor at the agency. I've asked A if she would be comfortable with me taking some pictures of her while we are there to go into a scrapbook/adoption book, so we will see if she is up for that.

Okay, I admit it...I'm in denial that I could be bringing a baby home in a few weeks. It just doesn't seem real. Making it harder to imagine is the fact that A said her new doctor thinks she is a week further along, but she disagrees. Either way, we are getting into "any day" territory with her being 38 (or 39) weeks in a couple of days.

We are still looking at cribs, but I told my sister to pull our cradle out of the attic. Mike and I are trying to get things wrapped up at school, and I just laugh when my seniors say they are ready to be done. 

*takes a deep breath*