Enjoying our baby girl

I'm so sorry for the long delay in posting. First, there was the fact that we were living in a hotel for a week, and then we got home and it took about a week to get settled and on a schedule. Then, I was having a debate about whether or not to create a separate private blog to keep the families updated (I did). This blog will continue to be about our journey with our open adoption, but I will try to add a few other things from time to time. And here we are and a month has passed. I can't believe it. Our baby girl will have a nickname on here because I am still trying to feel out my comfort level with the whole online situation. We will call her Kbear until/unless I think of something else.  : )

Kbear was born on May 12, and it was a whirlwind. We are still in a bit of shock, I think. We had gotten into town the night before because A was going to be induced on the 12th. I texted A to let her know we made it to our hotel, and she said that was good since she was having pains. It was a long night for everyone, with me texting A and her sister and friend at various times. I think Mike is the only one who got any sleep (military training to sleep when you can!). We went up to the hospital at 5:30 a.m. on the 12th and met up with A's sister and got to step into the room to say hello to A and P. Then we were all just waiting. We met P's sister for the first time and spent most of the day with her in the waiting room. We also met A's mother. They were all so welcoming to us. We have definitely all become part of a much larger family now.

I was nervous to talk to any of the nurses about our adoption situation, but I wasn't sure if A had been able to speak with the social worker. I wanted to make sure they were taking care of A and following her wishes. I finally got up the nerve to go speak to a nurse and they couldn't have been more wonderful. They followed up to make sure the social worker had been to see A, and they answered my questions about how A was doing.

Kbear was being a bit stubborn, so we just kept hanging out in the waiting room. At one point a nurse poked her head in and said that A told them I could wait outside the room during the birth and to follow her. I was stunned for a second and Mike asked what was going on. I said, "I think they mean right now." Once Kbear was born, she was taken to the room across the hallway, and I got to follow.

Here I am holding Kbear when she is just 10 minutes old. I barely remember this moment so I'm glad we have a picture! I just had so many emotions running through me, it was a bit of a blur.

Again the nurses were fabulous. We got to follow Kbear to the nursery and I was present for her first bath, a vaccination, a hearing test, and her first feeding. The staff asked if we wanted a room to stay overnight, and they even ordered our meals. Other than Kbear staying in the nursery that night for about 6 hours (we had to get some sleep), we've been with her ever since.   : )  We were released after 24 hours, so we then got settled into our hotel.  We were quite excited to realize that Wal.mart was right next door!


I'll end this post with a couple of pictures.

Kbear at 3 days old:

And Kbear at 1 month old:

We are quite smitten.

Speechless

Any day now

I simply can't wrap my head around the fact that I could be holding a baby in my arms any day now.

Mike and I traveled to see A yesterday for the match meeting, and although it went well, it was heartbreaking. Unfortunately, P wasn't able to make it home in time. I know that made it harder for A, but she did have a friend there with her. This friend, E, has been a huge support for A so we were glad we got to meet her. The initial part of the meeting was all of us talking about our past - how Mike and I met, our relationship, why we decided to adopt, etc. A answered some questions about her family and support system and why she decided to make an adoption plan. Then we started talking about A's wishes for the hospital. Mike asked me later how I felt about A wanting only P in the room during the actual delivery. As much as it would mean to me to be included during that part of the experience, I realized that I want whatever A wants. I begrudge her nothing.

The meeting took 1 1/2 hours and we sat around and talked for another hour or so. I asked A if she wanted to go get some lunch or if she needed us to head on out. She agreed that she needed the afternoon alone. During the meeting, we told her that she just needs to tell us when she needs time. E said she would make sure A speaks up if she needs time alone at the hospital, with or without the baby.

A's doctor told her to come in for an appointment on Tuesday, but he (jokingly?) predicted that he will see her at the hospital at 3 a.m. Wednesday morning. I asked A to call me Tuesday night to let me know what her doctor says. I may go on up to stay at my aunt's house so I can be closer. We are only about 4 1/2 hours away, but Mike says he is okay if I want to be in the area. The plan is for me and Mike to be at the hospital. After the baby is born, A's family and friends will have the opportunity to hold her and take pictures. Mike and I will await our turn as patiently as possible.  : )  

And on this Mother's Day, the first one where I contemplate the reality of becoming a mother, I know how hard this day is for some and always has been for me. This year, my thoughts are also with those women who have given so much to allow other women to experience motherhood. For every beautiful, caring, nurturing woman who shares herself with others as a mother, grandmother, aunt, sister, mentor, or friend...Today I celebrate you.

Edited to Add:
I just got a text from A wishing me "happy soon to be mother's day." She humbles me.

Keep your hands inside the ride at all times...

at least until you come to a big hill.


Whew! I think I left my stomach back on the last hill. I continue to have wild swings in freaking out moments and my stomach is not pleased with me. We were going to have our match meeting today (April 30), but our counselor had to postpone it because of another situation. So, we are having to move it back to next Saturday. I spoke with A Wednesday night, and it was a nice conversation. It was hard too though because she admitted to having a hard time thinking about the placement. We know it is hard, and hearing her say it just made me hurt for her even more. She said that is why she hasn't been able to return our emails. We know this doesn't mean she is changing her mind (though we continue to be cautious in our excitement). I just have the feeling she is trying to protect herself. After talking with our counselor, I feel better knowing that a social worker will be available at the hospital to help A with anything she needs. For the match meeting, we will travel to be with A and P and will be on the phone with our counselor at the agency. I've asked A if she would be comfortable with me taking some pictures of her while we are there to go into a scrapbook/adoption book, so we will see if she is up for that.

Okay, I admit it...I'm in denial that I could be bringing a baby home in a few weeks. It just doesn't seem real. Making it harder to imagine is the fact that A said her new doctor thinks she is a week further along, but she disagrees. Either way, we are getting into "any day" territory with her being 38 (or 39) weeks in a couple of days.

We are still looking at cribs, but I told my sister to pull our cradle out of the attic. Mike and I are trying to get things wrapped up at school, and I just laugh when my seniors say they are ready to be done. 

*takes a deep breath*

Fragile

Yes, we are still in contact with A, but the past couple of weeks have been really rough for me and Mike. While we have been in communication with A via one phone call, several texts, and some Face.book interactions, she has not replied to the emails asking her thoughts on scheduling the match meeting. I keep reminding myself that this is another concrete step forward for her and must be extremely tough. She also has all of the normal commitments to take care of in her life, and I know she is tired and busy. I am trying to be mindful of the process she is likely going through. But it is hard to not let the doubts creep in, on top of all the stress with trying to get things together for the end of the school year. Mike said it well...it's hard to stay positive and excited for long periods of time without constant input. I guess I should point out that my phone call to A was to ask her opinion of us announcing our match on Face.book. She said that she wanted us to be able to share our excitement with our friends since we have been waiting for a child for so long. We know that if this doesn't work out, we will have to also share that news, but it is fun having everyone excited for us. They have all been on the long, long journey with us, and we know they will be there to support us if we have to share that it didn't work out. The fact that A and some of her family and friends are interacting with us on Face.book helps provide some of that positive input we crave.

In the meantime, we continue to get the nursery together. The border, valances, and dust ruffle all arrived and they are so cute! We will be getting some paint samples this week and will start painting the nursery soon. We have been looking at cribs, but just haven't been able to make a final decision yet. But we did get the car seat to go with the stroller my sister handed down to us. I am now very handy at folding and opening the stroller...after just a bit of stumbling around with it before finding some online instructions.

I never would have imagined having a red car seat!

We are getting everything ready at school for us to take off the last couple of weeks and time is going by really, really fast. I find myself having little micro panic attacks every now and then. First, it seems like it isn't happening. Then, it seems all too real.

We continue to be cautiously optimistic.

Busy Bees

Here is a quick list of what we have been doing since the last post (not quite 2 weeks).

1. Cleaned out "junk" room (ok, mostly cleaned)
2. Moved guest room furniture from would-be nursery to new guest room (formerly known as junk room)
3. Did some major spring cleaning around house (cleaned fans and chandeliers, cleared cobwebs on tall ceilings, etc.) 
4. Did more work cleaning out nursery
5. Went to friend's house to get some cute girl outfits, most not even worn!
6. Made trip to big baby box store to look at stuff, came home with D.isney P.ooh nursery set
7. Spoke with respective bosses about our "maternity" leave - planning on being gone last two or three weeks of school year
8. Spoke with HR about adding little one to insurance
9. Began looking for and speaking with lawyers to handle relinquishment (will talk to A to get her thoughts)
10. Went with another friend to a consignment sale - bought 33 outfits (onesies, sleepers, rompers, etc.) for about $2 each
11. Did some shopping on eba.y and A.mazon and ordered valances, dust ruffle, and border in Classic P.ooh
12. Visited boutique store to look at furniture (crib from sister is too old and on recall list) - considering purchase of convertible crib (crib, toddler, day, full bed) and matching chest of drawers
13. Joined Con.sumer Re.ports to research infant car seats - likely going to buy brand that fits in fancy stroller from my sister
14. Went back to big baby box store to return D.isney P.ooh set (there is the price of the crib!)
15. Went to another friend's house to get some infant toys, most not even used!

And that doesn't include teaching. Whew! I need a vacation.

And a Happy Birthday to Me!

A Whirlwind Weekend

The cast of characters:

Our Contact - A
Her Fiance - P
Their Son - T
Her Sister - S
The Hopeful Couple - Mike and Crista
(hereafter referred to as we or us)

We arrived at my aunt's house late Friday night, both of us anxious about meeting A on Saturday (March 12). After waking up on Saturday and visiting with my aunt for a bit, we headed to meet A at a nearby restaurant at 1 pm. Because P had not made it back in town yet, she brought her sister S. Before she pulled up, I was running the different scenarios in my head of how the initial greeting would go. Remember, we have only communicated via email for the past two months. Should I hug her? Would there be an awkward silence? She waved and smiled as she got out of the car and got T from the back seat. Mike and I looked at each other a bit in shock about how pregnant she looked. Were we not expecting that? We were waiting on the sidewalk and she walked up with her arms open. We hugged.

During lunch (where I ate very little), A took T to the bathroom at one point and S shared with us how nervous A was that morning. I think at that point, I was able to calm down just a bit. After lunch, we headed to a park so T could play while we visited. We continued chatting comfortably, but A would have to occasionally get up to get T's shoes or ball that were left behind as he played. Into the first long silence, I asked A how she was feeling about everything. Mike said, "That wasn't awkward." (insert nervous laughter) A is understandably still struggling with the emotions of having to make this decision, but she said she is as comfortable as she can be with making an adoption plan. S asked a few questions about us sharing pictures and stories, and we tried to assure her that we are committed to this being an open relationship. S then asked if we planned on being at the hospital. I said that it would mean a lot to us to be there, but we wanted to do whatever was most comfortable for A. A said, "They should be there since the child will be going home with them." Ahh! Mike and I just looked at each other in shock again.

As we were leaving at 5:30 with the sun going down, we planned to get together again the next day so P could meet us. Our Sunday meeting with A, P, and T went well. We went to a park and then to dinner. We all got along really well and just had a lot of fun hanging out. We were with them from 4-9:30 pm that day so it was a long weekend!

A's counselor at the agency called on Monday to see how our visit went since I had let her know we would be meeting over the weekend. I told her it went well. We all got along great and felt at ease. She said she would check in with A to see how she was doing after the meeting. On Tuesday (March 15), the counselor called to say that she had heard back from A. A also felt the weekend went well and was feeling better after having met us. A was ready to match. We agreed. : )

So, it looks like we might actually be parents soon because A is due on May 17.

Magazines and coupons A brought to us from her last doctor visit.

I wonder when this will start to feel more real.

: )

It is very difficult to convey emotions when writing emails.

My emoticon of choice is the generic smiley. : )

I also like sticking my tongue out. : P

Mike likes to give his smiley a nose. :^)

I feel like I want to use a smiley after every sentence when writing with our contact to display my wonderful sense of humor. She uses a combination of smileys and lol's. For some reason, I just find it weird to use lol, but I will endeavor to add it to my repertoire to broaden my horizons.


Oh, I guess I should tell you that we will be meeting her on Saturday.

: )

That's how I learned to dance

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom." 

                                                                                                                                - Bob Hope


It seems life is all about waiting, especially for anyone dealing with infertility or going through the adoption process. Currently, my days seem to be split between waiting for an email and sending a response. I've been reading through some new blogs, because let's face it, some of you just don't update enough.  : )  I've come across a few that have talked about waiting in its various incarnations. One blog is from a birthmother making the realization that the anxiousness she has while waiting to hear from the adoptive family must be similar to how anxious the adoptive family was to hear from her before the baby was born. Note to self: remember how hard it is waiting for that email from her.

Right now, I walk this tightrope of wanting to develop our relationship but not wanting to overwhelm or pressure her. She has said that she is just not ready to talk on the phone yet, so we continue to send emails to get to know each other better. And even though we haven't had to wait more than 10 days between receiving her emails, those are 10 really long days!

Boy, for some reason this is harder to share with you than it has been with my friends and family. Maybe it makes it a bit more real or maybe it is because many of you will truly understand the feelings we are experiencing. We got an email from her a week ago (Friday, February 18) saying she was choosing us to parent her child. The agency is not calling it a match yet, because they would prefer that she speak with us on the phone first. Also, our contact has not had a chance to speak with the agency since then, although she did send them an email. Of course, we are keeping in mind that she has every right to change her mind, and we make sure to share that with our friends and family when talking to them. Fortunately, they all seem to understand the process as we have explained it to them.

I guess I'll keep most of the details to myself a bit longer, at least until we have an official match. In the meantime, I'll take some time to learn a new dance.

Allowing myself to get a bit excited

From updating my list of baby names to scouring the web for Winnie the Pooh nursery bedding, I have been getting just a tiny bit excited about the prospect of being a parent this summer. I also updated our faculty daycare about the possibility of needing them in the fall because I know they need to start making hiring decisions based on the number of kids they will have. My heart skipped a beat when I read the response: "We will save a spot for your baby." Ahhhh!

We continue to have great email correspondence with our contact. She said she has been doing some soul searching to make sure adoption is really what she wants to do, but continues to think it is the best decision. She shared more of her history with us and said how much she likes us.  : )

In the response we just sent, I shared more of my thoughts and emotions, thinking it is time to develop the relationship at a deeper level. I also told her we were ready to talk on the phone and were even ready to come visit. I made sure to point out that we can stay overnight with my aunt who lives nearby. So, we will see what she thinks about that. The past couple of weeks we have heard back from her on Monday night, so I hopefully won't have too long to wait for the next response.

I need someone to pinch me so I can make sure this is really happening!

And we're up again

I was tossing and turning, trying to get to sleep but thinking about how I was going to word a "checking in" email to our first contact since we haven't heard from her in just over a week, when my phone gave a happy ding to say that I had an email.

OMG! It is from contact number 1.

She has been busy with work and hasn't had time to write. She wrote a long email telling us more about them and saying how she is really liking what she is hearing about us. She even sent a couple of pictures! I woke up Mike to read it to him. Now at least I am not up all alone.  : )

Wish me luck in getting to sleep tonight!

Ups and Downs

We haven't heard back from our first contact since sending our last response a week ago. Needless to say, it has been a tough week. While I still hold out a small hope of hearing back from her, we are coming to terms with being on this roller coaster.

And roller coaster it is! This morning we got an email from another young woman who is considering adoption. She was very honest in stating that she didn't know if she would be making an adoption plan, but she wanted to learn more about us. I just sent off our response to her email. This one was easier and harder to write. Easier in that we have already had practice answering some questions, but harder because she is so much younger than our first contact. It is hard to imagine one of the students we work with being in the position where they would be looking at making an adoption plan.

So I am back to checking my email on a (very) regular basis.

Emotions

I'm sure it is understandable when I say I am quite emotional today, and have been for the past week. Ok, I just cried multiple times during the Eukanuba dog show, for no apparent reason. We go into the adoption process knowing it is going to be an emotional roller coaster, but I thought we would have a bit of time in the waiting line before jumping on the ride. My sister and I likened it to the Rock n' Roller Coaster that uses magnets to start you on your ride at 60 mph. No chain pull up a tall hill to get you ready for the first big fall.

It is so hard to think about how my excitement in bringing a child home is so closely tied to other people dreading giving away a part of themselves, even though they feel it is the best thing to do. I know I'm not alone in these thoughts. It is just hard when they become a reality instead of some vague unknown person who will suffer in the future.

We continue to share emails with our contact, and I am amazed by the number of similarities we have in our interests. The differences are also fun to learn! As I said before, our contact lives in our state, and they are less than 6 hours away and less than an hour away from my aunt who lives in the area. We are ready to hop in the car at any time to go meet them in person. I am trying to let things move at her pace and let her decide when we should make the next move forward, assuming she chooses to do so with us.

For now, I will try to focus on grading some papers. We have had the rare occurrence of  having two snow days in two weeks, so I am a bit off my schedule for school. It isn't like I have anything else on my mind or anything! Because I need a laugh right now, I'll share a few pictures from our first snow storm last week.

Dashing through the snow!

Maybe I'll catch the next one.

Why is my nose cold?

Daddy, will you throw a snowball please?

Got it!

Still cautiously optimistic

We just sent off our second email to our contact after she replied to our first response last night and asked some more questions. This time I wrote the email outside of my email program so I wouldn't accidentally hit send before finishing it.  : )

It is hard to not get too excited. It just seems almost too good to be real!

After speaking with the counselor who did the intake at our agency, we were thrilled to learn that she lives in our state! She is due in mid-June, which is interesting considering that the day she emailed us I was planning out a Disneyworld vacation for that week.

Mike and I always joked that we would get a contact about 2 weeks into being on the books, because you know those things just don't happen! I can't believe we were on the books for less than two weeks before hearing from her. She must have gotten our letter in the mail within the first couple of days of them sending them out.

So, we are now waiting to hear back from her.

Holy Contact, Batman!

I spent the weekend writing up our networking letter and sent it out to everybody yesterday (after spending hours copying email addresses out of Face.book). Throughout the day, I would get messages saying this or that email address was not valid. So, I just sort of glanced over an email that came in at 4:30 this afternoon. But then I took a closer look because I didn't recognize the email address.

It was a contact! In the words of Phil Plait (Bad Astronomer - check out his blog!), "SQUEEEEE!" She said she got our letter as part of a packet from the agency, told us a bit about herself, and then asked a couple of good questions: Why do you want to adopt? and What are your views in raising a child?

Long story short (Mike says my dinner is ready), I was working on a beautiful response...and then accidentally hit the send button. Ahhhh! I had to rush with followup email to finish our thoughts and tell her how much we hope to hear from her again. I didn't get a chance to ask her questions except to ask what she liked about our letter and to please tell us more about herself.

Now I will just be checking my email every five minutes. Not like it dings on my phone or anything.

I'll keep you updated!

Let the Waiting begin!

The agency has received our letters and has turned on our profile on their websites.

Finally!

We attended our Weekend Intensive in May, so the whole process took longer than we expected. But we made it through all of the issues with the home study, 7 proofs of our letter, and 4 hard copy proofs. I think our letters look great, and I am pleased with our website. I still need to do a bit of work on it to see if I can get it to load more quickly and to add some more photos.

As excited as I am, I am a bit freaked out by the fact that the profile directly below ours on one of the sites belongs to a couple named Krista and Michael. I'm just not used to seeing people with my name, even if she does spell it wrong.  : )   At least he doesn't go by Mike!

So, I guess the countdown begins. We will try to forget that we have been trying for 10 years to have a child. As of right now, we have been waiting for one day.

Are we there yet, Papa Smurf?

Not far now, my little smurfs!

 

A taste of parenthood

Having a 7-year-old in the house for a week has certainly been interesting, and our week has been filled with discussions of what will and won't be the same when it is our own child we are caring for. We know our life will change when we bring home our baby. Because the child will have needs that must be met, not all of our time will be our own. However, we don't expect it to be as it was this week, and that is what we had to keep reminding ourselves about. Mike and I rarely had a minute together, those only once the girl was asleep, in whispered conversations in the kitchen. Because she is not used to sleeping away from home, we set up an air mattress in the family room and I slept on the couch. When she was awake, one of us was always with her because the dogs were excited to have her there. We were pleased to see that the dogs were not aggressive toward her. Leila would just get excited and bark any time the girl stood up and walked around, and Indy just cuddled right up next to her and suffered through the many hugs. Mike was dealing with having two picky eaters in the house (although I like to say I just have sensitive taste buds).

I have to say that the girl did pretty well overall, considering she was plucked out of her home and away from her loving Mimi (my mom) for what ended up being 7 days. It helped a lot that she could go over to my sister's to play for a few hours each afternoon, because we don't have much in the way of entertainment for a 7-year-old at our house. Eloise and 2 seasons of Rugrats via Netflix helped save our sanity when she was with us.

Fortunately, I talked Mike out of giving her a Kong filled with peanut butter.